What shapes you as a leader?

Here’s something that might surprise you…

I've been doing quite a bit of personal research lately (including working with my therapist - more on that in a minute), and something fascinating has caught my attention. Among all the things that shape us as leaders - our experiences, our training, our successes and cock-ups - there's something else at play that we might not have considered.

How we were treated as a child.

Yes, that’s right; how you were treated as a child will shape how you are as a leader.

🤯Mind blown, right?

Before you worry that I have gone all therapeutic on you, hear me out. I'm not a therapist (important disclaimer there!), but I have been exploring how our early attachment styles might show up in how we lead. And it's really interesting. If you've read my content or heard me speak before, you'll know I love backing up my work with science and research - it's that non-fluffy approach that helps make complex ideas practical and useful.  We know that race, culture, gender and many other characteristics shape who we are as leaders.  But so does our childhood.

According to the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), about 1 in 6 adults in the UK have had counselling or therapy. For those of us who have, this might not be new news. But for the other 83% who haven't (yet!), stick with me - this could shed some light on a few things.

Think about it as just one of the many pieces of the leadership puzzle. Like any good military operation (yep, pulling from my Navy days here), understanding the terrain can be pretty useful. In this case, the terrain just happens to be us.  Specifically, what's going on between our ears.

Let's Get a Bit More Specific...

Different attachment styles tend to show up in pretty distinct ways in leadership. Let me paint you a picture of how these might look in practice.

Leaders with a secure attachment style tend to be what many would consider "natural" leaders. They're typically good at building trust and aren't afraid to give honest feedback - both the good and the challenging bits. These are the leaders who genuinely care about their team's wellbeing and development, and you'll notice they seem equally comfortable whether they're working independently or collaborating with others. They're often brilliant at creating those psychologically safe environments we all bang on about.  They’re also ‘low ego’ in their approach.  You’ll be able to tell them bad things without triggering some negative (maybe shame-based) response.

Then we've got our leaders with an anxious attachment style. These folks are often high performers who are constantly looking for ways to improve - both themselves and their teams. They might struggle to give challenging feedback because they're worried about damaging relationships. You might find them people-pleasing rather than leading and regularly looking for approval. Their strength is that they are absolutely excellent at spotting areas for development, especially in themselves!  But, they can appear ‘needy’ and you’re always stroking their egos.  #exhausting

Leaders with an avoidant attachment style bring their own unique strengths to the table. These are your go-to people in a crisis - cool heads, clear thinking, get-it-done types. They're strongly results-focused and brilliant at independent decision-making. The flip side is that they might keep their emotional distance from the team, preferring to focus on tasks rather than relationships.  To you, they appear cold and aloof.  Maybe they don’t seem to care about the ‘human you’.  They’re all task, task, task.  Or worse, they take ages to stop being angry/upset etc and you feel like you’re on eggshells for a month after a ‘tricky’ moment in the office.

And then we have our leaders with a disorganised attachment style, who might find themselves switching between anxious and avoidant patterns. Their teams might find them a bit unpredictable - warm and engaging one day, distant and task-focused the next. The good news is that these leaders often bring incredible creativity and out-of-the-box thinking precisely because of their unique perspectives and ability to see things from different angles.  For their team though, they can be left feeling uncertain about which version of the boss is going to show up when!

The key thing to remember is that none of these patterns define you completely. This isn't about giving ourselves another stick to beat ourselves up with (Lord knows we leaders are good enough at that already). It's about getting curious, about understanding that sometimes what happened 'over here' shapes how we're being 'over there'.

The Impact on Your Team

Your attachment style can directly influence how psychologically safe your team feels. Think about it - do your team members feel comfortable bringing problems to you? Can they challenge your ideas without fear? Do they know what to expect from you day to day? Are they confident in taking risks and making mistakes?

This can be especially tricky if you're switching between different patterns (hello, disorganised attachment!) or if you're not aware of how your style impacts others.

So, here's my invitation to you - get curious about your own leadership style. What patterns do you notice? What feels familiar in what you've read? Because that's what growth in leadership is all about - being willing to look at ourselves with openness and curiosity and seeing how we can better serve our teams.

Want to Explore This Further?

If you're curious about your own attachment style and how it might be showing up in your leadership, there are a couple of routes you might want to consider:

First, you might want to take a peek at The Attachment Project (www.attachmentproject.com) - they've got some great resources for understanding your attachment style.

Or, if you'd like to dig deeper, let's have a chat. No pressure, no hard sell - just a conversation about what you're noticing in your leadership and how understanding your attachment style might help. As a leadership coach, I love exploring these patterns with leaders and seeing how we can transform potential challenges into strengths.

This isn't about labelling ourselves or fixing what isn't broken. It's about understanding ourselves better so we can lead better. And sometimes, having someone to explore this with can make all the difference.

What patterns have you noticed in your leadership style?

What might be shaping how you show up as a leader?

Get in touch - I'd love to hear your thoughts. And don't worry, no therapy couch required! 😉

Fancy a chat? Book a your free call.

Reference: British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) 2022 UK Survey