The control freak’s guide to letting go…

…without everything going to sh*t!

 When was the last time you took a proper holiday without checking your work phone? Or let your team make a decision without your input? What about resisting the urge to "fix" something before giving others a chance? And let's not even talk about your diary that looks like a game of Tetris on steroids.

If you're breaking out in hives just reading this, grab a coffee. We need to talk.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Being "Needed"

I want to share with you something I learned the hard way (both in the Navy and in business); there's often a hidden payoff to being the person who has to be involved in everything. We call it "secondary gain" in psychology. Being needed makes us feel important. Being the hero feeds our ego. Having a diary that looks like a game of Tetris? Well, that must mean we're really valuable, right?

Nu-huh.

It usually means we're scared. Scared of letting go.  Scared of becoming irrelevant.  Scared of what might happen if we're not there to save the day. And you know what? That fear is costing you - and your team - more than you think.

The Cost of Your Hero Complex

When I stand in front of business leaders, and they tell me they "don't have time" to delegate, I sometimes ask to see their calendars. Obviously they are utter chaos – jam-packed, not a minute to breathe let along take care of their biological needs!

Then I ask one simple question:

"Who's in charge of that?"

The squirming usually starts about then.

Your control-freak tendencies are doing more damage than you realise. Every time you insist on being involved, you're suffocating your team's initiative. Each time you jump in to "fix" things, you're crushing their confidence and removing their agency. That bottleneck you're complaining about? That's you, standing in the way of your business growth. And while you're busy being everyone's hero, you're actually teaching your team ‘learned helplessness’ – so don’t be surprised if, even when you want them to, they won’t lean in to help or show initiative.

Let's be honest - you're probably not even doing everything as well as you could, because you're spread thinner than butter on cheap toast.

"But My Team Needs Me"

I was coaching a business owner recently who was practically tearing his hair out. "I set out exactly what I want," he said, "and they still don't do it right!" The frustration in his voice was real - I've been there myself.

But here's where it gets interesting. When I asked him what assumptions he was making about his team's understanding, priorities, and intentions, the silence was deafening. Like many leaders, he'd fallen into the trap of thinking his team's "failures" were about capability when they were actually about communication.

Take a moment to consider what assumptions you might be making:

• About your team's understanding of your expectations;

• About their prioritisation compared to yours;

• About their intent when things don't go to plan.

The truth is, your team probably doesn't need you nearly as much as you think they do. In fact, they might perform better without you hovering over them like an anxious parent at their kid's first playdate. Every time you jump in to "save the day," you're actually telling your team two things: first, that you don't trust them; and second, that they shouldn't bother trying because you'll just take over anyway.  Ouch!

Your Control is Killing You (Literally)

Want to know what happens when you try to control everything? Your body will eventually force you to stop. I've seen it happen too many times - leaders running themselves into the ground, thinking they're invincible until they're not.

I’ve seen clients who are so caught up in controlling every aspect of their business that they don’t notice their blood pressure skyrocketing. Others who can’t remember the last time they had dinner with their kids without their laptop open. They all thought they were "managing fine" until their bodies screamed "ENOUGH!"

The signs start small. Trouble sleeping because your brain won't shut off. Headaches that won't quit. That tight feeling in your chest when you think about taking time off. Then it escalates - anxiety attacks in the bathroom between meetings, stress-induced health issues, relationships falling apart because you're "too busy."

All that control you think is helping? It's actually making everything harder. You're less productive when you're exhausted. You make worse decisions when you're stressed. And your team? They're picking up on your frantic energy, and it's stressing them out too.

But hey, at least you're in control, right?

How to Actually Let Go (Without Everything Falling Apart)

The journey from control freak to trust master isn't about flipping a switch - it's about building new habits and mindsets. Start with getting the right people on board. This means hiring for attitude and cultural fit rather than just impressive CVs. I can't tell you how many times I've seen leaders hire for skills and fire for attitude. Get this foundation right, and you're already halfway there.

Good delegation is about being crystal clear about the outcome you want while giving people the space to figure out their own path to get there. So set the ‘what’ and, unless it really matters, let go of the ‘how’.  Yes, set boundaries. Yes, have check-in points. But resist the urge to micromanage every step of the journey. If you've hired the right people, they'll often find better ways to do things than you ever imagined.

Building trust isn't a one-and-done activity - it's systematic. Start small if you need to. Have regular, honest conversations about performance. Create an environment where feedback flows both ways and where mistakes are seen as learning opportunities, not failures. Remember, your team takes their cues from you. If you're afraid of failure, they will be too.

Dealing with Your Own Stuff

Then there is the hardest part - looking in the (sometimes ugly!) mirror. You need to get brutally honest with yourself about what's driving your need for control. What's the worst that could really happen if you let go a little? What's the story you're telling yourself about being needed?  What’s the secondary gain that’s keeping you fixed in this way of doing or being?  What would it mean for your identity if your team could function perfectly well without you?

Start with one thing. Just one. Maybe it's not checking emails after 6pm. It could be taking a proper lunch break away from your desk. Perhaps it's letting your team run one project without your input. Or - and I know this is radical - actually using your full holiday allowance without your phone attached to your hand.  I have a husband who *literally* moves my phone away from me.  Often annoying, always appropriate!

When Things Still Aren't Working

Sometimes, after all this work, things still aren't clicking. That's when you need to get honest about what's happening. Have you actually delegated, or just dumped work without support?  Are your expectations really as clear as you think they are? Have you provided the right resources and training? And sometimes - this is the tough one - is this person right for the role?

Sometimes letting go means accepting that someone isn't working out - and that's okay too. Not every hire will be Mr/Mrs/Ms Right, they might be just Mr/Mrs/Ms Right Now.  Get accustomed to the idea that not every team member will grow with you. The key is addressing it directly and respectfully rather than compensating by micromanaging and/or silently fuming!

The Final Word

Your diary doesn't have to look like a game of Tetris. Your team doesn't need you to be a hero. And you don't have to carry everything on your shoulders.

Let go of the control.

Trust your team.

Build systems that work.

And for God's sake, stop checking your phone on holiday – I saw you!

Want to explore this more? Do you recognise yourself but don’t know how to make that change? Book a call with me, and we can work through this together. You CAN let go (without everything going to sh*t).

P.S. If you managed to read this whole blog without checking your phone or jumping into your team's work, congratulations! You might be ready to start letting go...