Managing a difficult boss

How to speak truth to power with confidence

As I am cutting around going about my business I’ve noticed a distinct increase in the number of people complaining about toxic leadership. And it’s not just in my coaching sessions. It’s also showing up in the work I’m doing on the Help to Grow: Management programme. 

While dealing with toxic bosses can feel daunting, it’s something we should all feel confident to do.  What's more, by giving yourself permission to take action, along with the techniques to do so, your self esteem gets a vital shot of positivity - dialling down your stress responses and bolstering your resilience. 

In this article I take a look at what you can do if you’re experiencing toxic leadership in your organisation.

Common reactions to a toxic boss 

If you’re unlucky enough to be working for a difficult boss it can leave you feeling helpless, like there’s nothing you can do about it and that nothing will ever change. Complaining is the only weapon you have in your armoury and, frankly, that’s pretty useless when it comes to resolving the problem!

It’s also a very negative place to be - emotionally and psychologically - which in turn can impact your physical and mental well being. You might even have reached the point where you feel that your only option is to leave the organisation. 

That’s an unsustainable state to be in and is unacceptable. 

I don’t buy into the fallacy that you should suck it up because you can’t speak truth to power and create positive change. Here’s why.

Difficult bosses can be managed

I'm not quite sure why it is that, when we work for a difficult boss, we so often allow ourselves to believe there's nothing we can do about it. 

I've observed that, usually, the difficult boss can be managed. Don't get me wrong, it does take some bravery and you have to find a way to do it which may not sit well with your usual approach to problem solving. But it can be done.

Personally, when I've had to do this in the past I have felt uncomfortable with how subservient I had to become in order to manage the other person. However, by taking on an almost humble posture - physically and in my choice of language - I was able to get some messages across in a way that I don't think I'd have been able to do just straight up. 

How you deal with a difficult boss can be greatly influenced by using your knowledge of them as a human, rather than as a boss. Do you share a common sporting interest or other common ground? How can you use that common ground, or cultivate it if there really is nothing, in order to connect with them on a human to human basis?  

Understanding people, irrespective of hierarchy

Something I often identify when working with clients is that, when it comes to managing teams, it can be easier to acknowledge that our own approach could sometimes be better. Leaders will readily agree that the best thing that we can do is to get our team to go with us. 

Yet when it comes to managing upwards all too often very capable leaders develop a sense of amnesia. Or believe that the tools and techniques that we've been taught or exposed to in order to manage downwards somehow have no relevance to managing upwards. And that’s simply not true.

n this situation, it’s useful to apply the tried and tested principles you’ve gained through things like change management training. Remember that there will be a reasonably predictable way people journey through change (Kubler-Ross change curve) and plan your approach accordingly.

Understanding triggers

I was recently coaching an individual who needed help with managing their boss and, working the problem through, we did exactly the same sort of things that we would have done if we had been working on effectively managing downwards. 

Think about it for a moment. Having a good understanding of motivators and drivers will help you select the appropriate evidence base for the person you are dealing with.  As a leader who needs to manage downwards, you must  understand your team’s motivation. That's exactly the same the other way around.

Whether you are managing your team or a tricky boss, in order to make a case for change you need to have a clear evidence base that will demonstrate that your way is a better way than their way. Or that their way will lead them to the wrong destination. 

Rather than believe the self-fulfilling prophecy that you are powerless it is far more empowering to remind yourself of the things that are actually at your disposal. Things like figuring out the triggers that your boss is interested in. 

For example, if your boss is really rational and ‘left brain’, then you're going to need to use facts, figures and statistics to support your case. On the other hand, if your boss is very right brain, maybe you need to use creativity, visioning and ideation. 

What it boils down to is not where the other person is in the chain of command, but how well you identify what makes them tick, or what their learning style is (visual, aural, and so on) and then using what you know to convince them of the merits of doing something differently. 

Moving back from the wall

When you have a difficult relationship with a toxic boss, it can be easy to become consumed with the situation you find yourself in, making it hard to see the wood through the trees. It's like being far too close to the wall so that you can't see how big the wall is. And, as a result, it can feel like a much bigger obstacle than it really is.

When I coach people in this situation I encourage them to take a step back from the wall and remind themselves that actually there are things that they can do. This dials down the anxiety about the situation, re-empowers them and reminds them that they already have the tools and techniques to manage the situation, they just need to be applied in a different direction! 

Ultimately, if you're dealing with somebody who refuses to listen, or refuses to change no matter how careful you've been about finding their preferences, or carefully picking the right time of day to talk to them, if they are simply a bullying boss, you've got to stand up to them. 

Yes it can be a bit like taking your heart in your hands, but when I've stood up to bullying bosses, their behaviour does change.  And yes, I have often partaken in a stiff drink afterwards….

Build your resilience and boost your confidence

If you’re facing challenges with a difficult boss, the ability to make changes is, I promise you, within you. Book a complimentary introductory call with me here  and let’s start exploring ways to build your resilience and boost your confidence.